So the way out of the situation is not obvious or easy? Then what? Do we snuggle into inaction, bemoaning our existence and bad luck? Or can we accept that where we are is difficult? Not unlike the difficult positions humanity has been in for millennia. Not unique. Not hopeless. Not an excuse. Can we widen our lens to include all potential next right actions we might take, even if they rob us of our self-pity?
We can be hurt and disappointed, but we are not more hurt, more disadvantaged, more hopeless than millions of others. The question is, can we stop resisting it? Can we stop whining, longing, replaying, and accept: this is how it is. Can we forget how it should have gone and accept this is the way it went? Nothing is going to change that. So, what now?
Let the mistake be just that, a mistake. Not an omen or an albatross we need to carry to our deathbed. Life is defined by its necessary vulnerability and risk. If we can’t stomach risks, we won’t have the backbone to create anything meaningful. Big risks and mistakes are a pair; imperfection is required. It’s the cost of growing into ourselves, and it’s essential. If we could get it perfect the first time, every time, we wouldn’t be doing anything that matters.
We have to get over ourselves and our mistakes—fast. Learn to distinguish between our assumptions, our feelings, and the facts. We have to go head-to-head with King Denial and Queen Should. Close our exits. Stay with the grief and anger until it burns off. Every time we do, we get more resilient. We can see the horizon of our limitless options.
Downward spirals reject possibility. They turn a simple, garden-variety fear of the future, of action, into problems that need fixing. The more we describe and categorize the thing, the bigger it gets. They’re just self-soothing labels, creations of our making. Instead, we can face crucial facts and accept them without qualification. Done. Now what do we want to do?
We have to reckon with what is real rather than fantasy. Dealing directly with the way things are interrupts the daydreams and preoccupations that feed on years of our lives. We can distinguish between the emotions (endless wiggle room) and the facts (no wiggle room). The latter allows us to interact directly with what’s possible, and that shift will allow our lives to continue unfolding naturally.
What should, should, should have been is a bore. That isn’t how it went. So what NOW, here in reality? Live with the contradictions, the painful feelings, fears, without running or blaming. Take in the bigger picture of our lives and move toward it. It’s the truth that prepares us for life. All things originate from it.
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While feeding on the truth can disrupt the ways we like to see ourselves, it can also deeply affirm that we as human beings are resilient beyond anything we can imagine.
Song Accompaniment
More Essays
Exist. And don’t apologize for it.
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How We Get Up Matters
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So Many Sources, So Little Relief
Life is always calling us. It tells us plainly, this is what we are to do and this is where we are to go. It’s an invisible pipeline between us and the energy of our soul that we’re born with.
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We only work on problems we believe have a solution. Everything else — precedent, other people’s opinions, the weight of “it can’t be done” — is a story the mind tells itself to stop looking. This is what happens when it starts looking again, and what happens when it doesn’t.
The Gap Between Us and Everything
There’s a gap most of us maintain without noticing, between ourselves and the universal energy running under everything. We call it being realistic. We call it caution. Passion is the one thing that actually closes it, and resignation is not the same as peace.
Ok. So now what?
Let the mistake be just that — a mistake. Not an omen, not an albatross. What comes next is a question of fact, not feeling.